Herb's Humor

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a
while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help
but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland
might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "So am I! Sure and begorra. And what
And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was. I lived on
McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith and it's a small world. So did I!
So did I! And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, I went to St. Mary's, of
course."

The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I.
Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see. I graduated in
1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down
upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in
the same bar tonight. Can you believe it? I graduated from
St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!"

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and
orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shakes his head,
and mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight."

Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"

"The Murphy twins are drunk again."

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This is a test entry for the notification program

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A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest.  The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.  He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Wow," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong.  How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

A couple months ago, I entered a contest and ended up winning a few acres of swamp land below the flood plain in Mississippi.

Before I knew it, right after that I won a $250,000 house, so naturally I built it on my new land.

Last week, I won enough money in the lottery to quit my job and move down there for good.

And just last night, as I sat on my new porch watching the rain and listening to the thunder, it all started to sink in.

A message from the rural Midwest:  Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners and Californians cross states such as Illinois, Ohio, Indiana, Wisconsin, Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Michigan, Missouri, Minnesota, North Dakota, and South Dakota, those states' Tourism Councils have adopted a set of information guidelines. In an effort to help outsiders understand the Midwest, the following list will be handed to each driver entering the state:

1) That farm boy standing next to the feed bin did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

2) It's called a 'gravel road' No matter how slow you drive; you're going to get dust on your car.

3) We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old.  Yeah, we saw Bambi.  We got over it.

4) Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you whipped...by our women.

5) Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod.  Don't cry to us if a flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle.  We have a name for those little trout you fish for...bait.

6) Pull your pants up.  You look like an idiot.

7) If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it!  You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

That's right.  Whiskey is only two bucks.  We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink.

9) No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu.  Order steak.  Order it rare.  Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

10) You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.

11) So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car you drive on weekends.  We're real impressed.  We have a quarter of a million dollar Combine that we use two weeks a year.

12) Let's get this straight.  We have one stoplight in town.  We stop when it's red.  We may even stop when it's yellow.

13) Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks--because they want to.  So, you're a feminist.  Isn't that cute?

14) Yeah, we eat catfish. Carp, too--and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar?  It's available at the bait shop.

15) They are pigs.  That's what they smell like.  Get over it.  Don't like it?  Interstates 70, 80, & 90 go two ways--Interstates 29, 35, & 69 go the other two.  Pick one and use it accordingly.

16) The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season.  It's a religious holiday.  You can get breakfast at the church.

17) So every person in every pickup waves.  It's called being friendly.  Understand the concept?

1 Yeah, we have golf courses.  Just don't hit in the water hazard.  It spooks our fish.

Now, enjoy your visit!

Sherlock Holmes - "Ah, Watson.  I see you have on your winter underwear."

Watson - "Marvelous, Holmes, Marvelous!  How did you ever deduce that?"

Sherlock Holmes - "Elementary, my dear Watson.  You've forgotten to put on your trousers."

"Think of the Spaniards going 3,000 miles on a Galleon!"
"Oh, don't believe everything you here about them foreign cars."

"At last," said Herb, "I have written something that will be accepted by any magazine!"

"What is it?"

"A check for a year's subscription."

Girls, When they went out to swim
Once dressed like Old Mother Hubbard,
Now they have a bolder whim,
They dress more like her cupboard.

My friend was driving through the Australian outback when he spotted some road work ahead with a green Go sign next to it. As he got closer, a workman appeared from a nearby tent and, for no apparent reason, turned the sign to Stop. "Why did you do that?" asked my friend after he had pulled over. "Come on, mate," the workman said. "You're the first person to pass by here in two weeks. Won't you stop for half an hour and have a cup of tea?"