Herb's Humor

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music.  No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads:  Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827.

Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward!

Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.  By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed.  This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.

When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward.  The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave.  They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.

Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

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Got this e-mail from Carter.

I read a book about the great Indian religous leader Ghandi. I found there were so many things about this mystical spiritual leader that I had never known. For example

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A guy gets shipwrecked.  When he wakes up, he's on a beach.  The sand is dark red.

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When a person says they wanna "axe" you something, they are just getting one word wrong, or, I guess you could say that they are getting an edge in wordwise.

A blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass.  She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to Wal-Mart.  Why Wal-Mart???

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A couple of years ago, I went to a bar with some friends.  Above the bar I noticed a sign that read:  "For Sale. 1985 Henway. Excellent Condition. Make Offer."

So, I asked...

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A ham sandwich walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey!  We don't serve food in here!"

One day a planet was discovered out Antares way whose sole inhabitant was an enormous humanoid, three miles high.  At first it was mistaken for an immense statue left by some vanished race of giants, for it sat motionless on a yellow plain, exhibiting no outward sign of life.  It had legs, but it never rose to walk on them.  It had a mouth, but never ate or spoke.  It had what appeared to be a perfectly functional brain, the size of a condominium, but the organ lay dormant, electrochemical activity at a standstill.  Yet it lived.

This puzzled the scientists, who tried everything they can think of to get some sign of life from the behemoth -- in vain.  It just sat, motionless and seemingly thoughtless, until one day a xenobiologist, frustrated beyond endurance, screamed, "How could evolution give legs, mouth, and brain to a creature that doesn't use them?"

It happened that he was the first one to ask a direct question in the thing's presence.  It rose with a thunderous rumble to its full height, scattering the clouds, thought for a second, boomed "IT COULDN'T", and squatted down again.

"My god," exclaimed the xenobiologist, "of course!...

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A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor.  "Is Fred home?" he asked the woman who answered the door.  "Sorry," the woman replied.  "Fred's gone for cotton."

The next day the collector tried again.  "Is Fred here today?"

"No, sir," she said, "I'm afraid Fred has gone for cotton."

When he returned the third day he humphed, "I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again?"

"No," the woman answered solemnly, "Fred died yesterday."

Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself, but sure enough, there was poor Fred's tombstone, with this inscription,

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